“How to confront”
Mention the word ìconfrontî as in ìIf you donít like the way your co-worker is doing something, confront him,î and most everyone freaks out. Even the mere suggestion to initiate discussion about someoneís chronic lateness is rebuffed because it could turn into a confrontation. What is everyone so afraid of?
First, no one wants to be seen as a demanding pain in the neckówhich is what some people think theyíll look like if they speak up. I have one client who is so fearful of being seen as a ìcranky witchî, that instead of assertively addressing issues with others, she laughs and hems and haws about the problem and then complains that no one gets anything done
People are also reluctant to confront another person because, ìYouíre initiating a situation where you feel like you have very little control over what will happen,î says Wally Bock, author of the upcoming book, Performance Talk. That could range from hurting someoneís feeling to being physically harmed yourself
So people clam up. They hope the problem will either go away or by dropping subtle hints, the personís behavior will stop, says Aaron Nurick, professor of management and psychology at Bentley College in Waltham, Massachusetts
The silent treatment makes it worse with your resentment building like a ìsavings account collecting compound daily interest until it explodes into a needless fight,î he says
When you do decide to say something, ìIt carries too much juice behind it and then the confrontation goes south,î says Dr. Carl Robinson, a psychologist and principal of Advanced Leadership Consulting in Seattle
Most folks also arenít very skilled in what they say. They may start with something like, ìYou make me angry,î implying itís your fault. In return, you feel threatened, and when that happens, ìWe react like the furry forest creatures that live inside us. We freeze, assess, throw up barriers and possibly take defensive action,î says Bock
But few of us have role models for confronting someone effectively, says Dr. Tim Ursiny, author of The Cowardís Guide to Conflict. ìFew people can say, ëMy parents were great at conflictî and that ìíevery confrontation brought them closer together and more intimateíî At work, you typically see aggressive or passive people
To feel confident about confronting someone, you need to know how to handle conflict. So when someone is doing something thatís upsetting you, first, determine the source of the conflict for you, says Ursiny. Is it what they did, the way they did it, a difference in personality or poor communication?
Then be assertive, which as, Nurick says is, ìActing in oneís best interest by taking the other into account.î Your purpose is to inform, not attack. Preserve a relationship while getting your point across. Do that soon after the incident (unless you need time to cool off) by:
1. Focusing on the specific behavior: ìYou arrived 10 minutes late to our meetingîónot, ìYouíre unreliable.î
2. State how that made you feel: ìI was irritated.î
3. State the consequences: ìWe couldnít start because you had the data we needed.î
Let the other person react. Ursiny suggests that you ask for their perception of the issue, collaborate on a solution and agree to have a future talk to see how things are going
People will be more open if you carefully introduce your comments. In the situation with my client, I suggested she start with, ìI want to have a good working relationship. This isnít easy to bring up, butÖî Most people can handle the input and will appreciate your candor, says Robinson
But this wonít work with everyone. It is, though, almost certain that at some time you will disagree with most everyone about something. Instead of just focusing on what youíre afraid will happen, consider the good that could occur. That is, that when done effectively, your conversation just could lead to a better relationship than you had before
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This is “How to confront”, a part of Personal Dilemmas At Work, an article on Andrea Kay's website.
